Welcome to my Blog - What Is A Blog?

A blog is a personal diary. A daily pulpit. A collaborative space. ... Your blog is whatever you want it to be.

For many years I have kept a journal, which I don't write in as much as I once did. I have an inner yearning to communicate with the world through writing and pictures Part of my motivation is to leave something behind to a world that has given me so much - a mom, dad, brother, grandparents, a loving wife, high spirited and gifted sons, close friends and loyal customers. Most of us have had some help along the way to get where we are. In my 12 step program, step 12 is about giving back to others. I hope there are posts here that will warm your heart, make you smile and make you think. That is what my blog is all about. I hope you enjoy it. Ken

Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Decision is Different than a Mistake

Monday March 26th. We’re leaving for Kauai on Wednesday. Sam’s nowhere to be found. Impulse says “call him.” Reason says “let it go.” But our vacation revolves around Sam getting out of Omegon. What’s Cousin Benny going to say when we arrive without him? My heart says Yes; go and find him but my head says No; let it be. Again, my inner voice says go find him and ask him to reconsider.

But everything I’ve learned at the Al-anon for parents meetings says “let it go.” Otherwise I’ll be acting codependent. But I really want him to come with.

Channa wants me to go to David's house and get him. But now I’m being stubborn: I’m pissed. I’ve drawn a line in the sand and say, “if he wants to come he needs to call.” Once again, I’ve been burned.

I'm mad at David's dad. I’m mad at myself. Why did I let for Sam stay at David’s? His dad promised he’d keep an eye on the kids. Obviously, he didn’t. Its obvious Sam’s been using. I should call David’s dad. I should tell him off; tell him how burned-up I'm feeling inside. Just thinking about it causes my heart to pound like a drum. I press the “pause” button.

Instead, I call Barb, Sam's social worker. When she answers my call, I’m soothed hearing her voice. When I tell her what’s going on, she’s sorry. I tell her I think we should cancel the trip. “No, Kenny,” she says. “You and your family deserve this trip with or without Sam.” “Go.” “But, I’m fearful Sam is going to get into trouble while we’re away.” I’m even worried he will try and break into our home. I’m thinking of getting an alarm system installed but now there’s no time. I’m stressed. We’re supposed to leave in two days and I have a ton of stuff to get done. How is this going to happen?

Every time I hear the phone ring, even at work, I hope its Sam saying he wants come to Hawaii with us. I'm not expecting any apologies, but it would be nice.

It's Tuesday, a day before we’re supposed to leave. We still have not heard from Sam. He's just like “Danny in the Toy Box” - he's really, really mad and he's not getting out of his metaphorical toy box. Finally, my hearts start to sink and reality sets in: He's not going to call.

I call Orbitz to cancel his part of the travel reservations but the agent says I’m too late to cancel. Everything is forfeited. I hate to lose but what can I do? Now, if Sam calls, I’ll tell him that he's not going because I've cancelled his tickets! But right after cancelling his reservation, I get a bad, bad feeling. My inside voice starts telling me how I’ve just made a terrible mistake.

I stop beating myself up when a flash of wisdom from my Higher Power kicks in: “Kenny, don’t you remember what your AA sponsor told you when you once told him how you made a big mistake? He corrected you and suggested you re-frame your choice of words.” Now I remember: “Try using the word decision instead of mistake. A decision is different than a mistake. I get some comfort in realizing I’ve made a decision. The word mistake triggers all kinds of negative self talk and emotions. A decision is less emotional and more factual. I honor my decision to have cancelled the tickets and decide to move forward.

Wednesday comes. We get up at 3:30am to catch our 5am flight to Kauai via Phoenix. My friend Bobby graciously picks us up and takes us to the airport.Wednesday comes. We get up at 3:30am to catch our 5am flight to Kauai via Phoenix. My friend Bobby graciously picks us up and takes us to the airport. Right before our 757 turns onto the runway, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and say a prayer. Lord, please watch over Sam and keep him safe.

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