Minnehaha High

Sam makes it to high school. It’s his first week. My cell phone rings. I answer it. “Mr. Tuvman, this is Mrs. Anderson, the Vice Principal over at Minnehaha High.” She gives me the “Minnesota Nice” act. “I’m sorry Sam has to start high school with a call like this but he was caught smoking a cigarette on campus.” I’m told to come get him. His consequence is a one day suspension. The call ends with her telling me again how “sorry” she is that Sam has to start the semester this way. If you only knew what this kid has put me through, I mutter to myself. I feel so impotent over Sam’s behavior. Besides getting caught smoking, the school has a truancy officer on staff. Sam is issued a citation for smoking on the school grounds.

The truancy officer works her magic and in a few days we receive a notice from the county summoning us to court at a specific time and date. We have to go before a judge. Our day in court arrives and the Judge asks Sam if he understands why he is here. Sam nods. The judge emphasizes to Sam the importance of following the rules at school. She asks Sam if he thinks he can do that. Sam answers “yes.” Besides getting a warning from the judge, she assigns a family social worker from Hennepin County to help us keep Sam out of trouble. She dismisses us warning Sam to stay out of trouble. I’m relieved: Sam can go back to school and I can resume my normal routine. Channa and I think maybe a social worker can help Sam.

The following week, there’s a message on the machine from the social worker. She’s calling to make an appointment to meet Sam at our house. She says her name is Barb. We agree on a date and she comes to our house to meet with Sam, Channa and me. Sam gives Barb the silent treatment and won’t give her straight answer to her questions. Barb will stay in our lives for several years and become a major advocate to Sam.

Back at school, Sam is caught smoking again. Refusing to accept responsibility or show remorse, Sam is pissed at the school undercover policeman who busted him. He tells me he wants to go and beat the crap out of him. Suspended again, we are now told that we have to meet with a group from the school board about his behavior.

At the meeting all the top school administrators’ are there; the high school assistant principal, the truancy officer, a guidance counselor, the undercover cop, and a few others that act as liaisons between the city and school district. Sam and I are seated before the group. The assistant principal calls the meeting to order. She begins by restating the no smoking policy on school grounds. One of the counselors asks, “Sam what are your goals? What do you want to do with your life?” Before Sam can answer the question, Miss Schuberth, the truancy officer in a demeaning tone says “Sam, you have now been caught smoking twice and we have the right to expel you from school.” Turning towards the guidance counselor and avoiding eye contact with Mrs. Schuberth, Sam tells the group he likes school and hopes to become a lawyer. When they are finished with their questions, they ask us to leave the room so they can decide on what to do. While waiting to be called back in the room, Sam and I just sit there, like two ships in the night moving in opposite directions, neither of us having anything to say. The conference door opens and they invite us in. The assistant principal says Sam can come back to school but if he smokes on campus again he will be expelled for good. “Do you understand what I am telling you, Sam?” she says.” Sam nods his head and says yes. We are excused. Sam can go back to school. I feel relieved..

I have to get going. I have a significant client meeting in Houston to get to and rather than fly, I’ve decided to drive. I have a lot on my mind. I need some alone time in the car to help clear my head. Driving is good stress reliever.

A few days later and still in Houston, my cell phone rings. It’s Channa. She’s upset. Sam has run away from home. He got caught smoking again and was kicked out of school for good.

Suddenly, my optimistic mood is overcome with anger and sadness. I feel like a complete loser and a failure. The truth is, I am truly powerless over Sam but haven’t admitted that yet. Although I only have one more day left in Houston, I want to cut my trip short and dash home. Somehow, my Higher Power intervenes and my impulse to run home gives way to my staying on schedule.

There was a letter Sam left:

Dear Mom,

By the time you read this I will be on my way out of the state.

I realize that I have caused everyone around me a lot of grief and that they want me out of their lives. I have to figure out my own problems and I hope I can.

I am starting a new life and am hoping for the best.

The next time you will see me is in 7 years when the police will no longer be looking for me. I want to let you know that I love you and always will. But for now I can’t stay here. Tell Zach that I hope he won’t make the same mistakes I did.

I will miss you and him very much and I love you both.

All the love in the world,

Your son, Sam

p.s. I Love You

Over lunch, I’m hurting inside. I decide to share my plight with Karen. I know I’m not supposed to tell customers my problems but I’m not so good at holding in my emotions. The 12 Step Program has taught me to not isolate and reach out to others. Sharing my feelings of loss with over Sam, with Karen, somehow causes her to open up. She shares the hardships of growing up with an alcoholic father and understands where I’m coming from. It turns out to be all good. Nobody abandons me and I’m not left feeling embarrassed and humiliated. These are the feelings I felt on a regular basis before recovery.

Kona - The Big Island

After four days at Benny and Kaikala's home, we’re off to visit another Island. We catch an afternoon commuter flight to Kona. I last visited the Big Island when Benny and Kaikala's got married back in the late seventies. The Big Island is, well - big. There is a lot of history and a lot to see on this island and I want to share my experience with my family. We arrive at Kona by the Sea to check into our condo. Pleasantly surprised, ours overlooks the ocean and is filled with all the amenities of home – it is spacious, clean, with a full kitchen. At night we leave the patio door open so we can listen to the soothing sound of the surf pounding the sand. Soothing is good.

Up until now, we have not heard from Sam but the next morning I see a missed call on my cell phone. It’s Sam! He’s left a message saying he’s at the St. Joseph's Children's Shelter in Minneapolis. He wants me to call a social worker to give my okay for him to stay there. Sam must have worn out the welcome mat at his friends house. “Why couldn't he have kicked him out before we left for Hawaii? He could have been here with us”. By the time I call the Shelter, Sam is gone. I call Donna. I get her voice mail. I leave a message saying I'd heard from Sam and that we are relieved to know he is okay and to please call with any updates

.

Kaikala had said the snorkeling is really good at Kealakekua Bay. She said, "get there early before the tour boats come." The next morning, Zach and I decide to check it out. To get there we have to descend through a steep and winding canyon road. Along the way we see an old Hawaiian Coffee Plantation named Kealakekua Coffee Company and a sign for the Painted Church. This is an area with a lot of history. Kaikala says the best diving is by marker that recognizes Captain Cook who discovered the Hawaiian Islands. On the morning of January 17, 1779, Captain James Cook and his ships, the Resolution and Discovery, sail into the sheltered waters of Kealakekua Bay (Pathway of the God) during the height of a local religious festival. Thinking Cook is a returning God, the Hawaiians welcome and honor him. Later, trouble follows, and the Hawaiians realize that Cook and his crew are not immortal. In the end, Cook is surrounded and killed at this very spot. This monument is only approachable by a rugged foot trail or by water. The best way for me to reach this beautiful spot is by kayak.

As we finish our descent, the paved road ends. We drive along a dirt road until coming upon a group parked cars. Almost immediately, we are approached by a local Hawaiian named Kimo. He rents Kayaks. He asks us if we want to rent one but as I reach for my wallet I realize I've left it behind at the condo. He tells me it will be okay to rent a kayak, as long as we come back tomorrow to pay him. I don’t want to do that and decide to see what we can without renting a kayak. As we walk over the rocks with our fins, snorkels and fins, we see a group of people pointing and staring out into the water. As we look closer, we see a group of spinner dolphins jumping up out of the water. It is quite a sight and exciting to watch as they gracefully perform their acrobatics jumping and spinning out of the water.

As I look beyond the dolphins, I can vaguely make out the Captain Cook’s monument. It looks less than a mile away and I ask Zach if he wants to swim out there with me. Being the wise soul he is, he decides to stay close to the beach. Being the dreamer I am, I start swimming out to the monument to see just how good the diving really is. I start swimming thinking I’ll make the monument in no time. As I swim some more, I realize that the monument is a little further than I though. I am a good swimmer and decide I’ll go for it. As I am swimming, I see the spinner dolphins in the distance. Several kayaks pass me by. As I get closer, I see what Kaikala was talking about - there are two big boats, crowded with people packed like sardines. I see a lot of snorkels protruding out of the water. I’m thinking the diving must be really good but it sure looks crowded. Then I get a revelation – why am I putting myself in harms way by swimming in the middle of the ocean alone? I’ve left my son behind while pursuing my self-centered desire to make it to the monument. I stop swimming and pause for a moment. Wasn't the purpose of this vacation to spend time with my family? I do a 180 and swim back to the shore. When I get there, I am exhausted. I see a kid walking on the rocks. It’s Zach who has his eyes focused on me. When our eyes meet, he’s eager to show me a coconut he’s found. I tell him that we will come back tomorrow, early, and rent a kayak and snorkel at the monument.

When we return to the condo, Channa is relaxing on the balcony with her leg elevated and reading a book. I tell her Sam called and it sounded like he was okay. She is relieved but still very worried about him. I show Zach how to open the coconut and eat the fruit. It is sweet, chewy, and quite good. Channa wants to do some sightseeing. There is a concierge at our resort. I ask what she suggests for us to see and where can we find sea turtles? She tells us to visit a historical park called Pu' Uhonua O Honaunu. She says there are lots of sea turtles there.

A brief history lesson: In old Hawaii, if you broke a law the penalty was death. Perhaps you had entered into an area that was reserved for only the chiefs, or had eaten food that was forbidden. Laws or kapu, governed every aspect of Hawaiian society. Your only option for survival was to elude your pursuers and reach the nearest puuhonua, or place of refuge. As you enter, a great wall rises up marking the boundaries between the royal grounds and the sanctuary. Many carved wooden images, Ki'i in Hawaiian, surround the Hale o Keawe, housing the bones of the chiefs that infuse the area with their power or mana. If you reached this sacred place, you would be saved. Pu`uhonua O Honaunau, formerly known as the City of Refuge Park, was set aside as a national historical park by Congress in 1961. Utilizing many local artists and artisans with authentic and traditional tools, the National Park Service has restored the site to its original appearance of the 1700's. The park is of major cultural and historical significance. It is situated on 180 acres, but is easy traversed on foot. A brochure and map for a self-guided tour is available at the Visitors Center. The park has two major sections, the Palace Grounds and the Pu`uhonua O Honaunau, the Place of Refuge. Separating the two areas of the park is the Great Wall.

Our walk through the park starts at the Palace Grounds, the former home of the ruling chief. It is surrounded by a beautiful coconut palm grove overlooking Honaunau Bay. The nearby beach was strictly reserved for Royalty. On display are samples of canoes carved from koa wood with lashings of coconut fibers. All of their construction was from materials native to the land. As we continue on the path we see models of the different types of houses and storage sheds which sit on the palace grounds.

Channa, Zach and me can feel the spirits surrounding us - everywhere we turn there are Ki'i statues that look to me like Tiki's. The detail of expression on their faces shows in great detail the emotions they seem to possess - the Ki'i are strategically positioned to keep evil spirits and bad karma from entering the compound. Some are positioned to face the ocean in a "lookout" kind of pose. Others are in front of the houses that once housed the chiefs of the time. Many facial expressions show the natives baring their teeth, with their nostrils wide open that invoke fear in us! The detail in the carvings brings these characters alive. The intense facial expressions helped prevent ancient intruders from invading the sanctuary. As we continue to explore the park, Zach yells out, "Mom - Dad - come here!" We walked towards a shallow lagoon and Zach is standing on a rock looking down at a group of sea turtles sunning themselves. "Wow, they are beautiful!” I grab my camera and start snapping pictures. One starts moving towards the water and when he finally gets in, he looks even more beautiful in the water. The water makes his shell shine and his leathery head, legs and tail look shiny black - and where he crawled like a snail on the rocks, he swims gracefully in the water. The magical spirits of Pu`uhonua O Honaunau are an elixir for Channa and me. We need relief - we are hurting inside. Sam is always on our minds and we just hope that he has enough sense to stay out of trouble. We ask for good spirits to keep him safe. I'm glad we took the trip - Zach is giving us pleasure simply by wanting to be with us. I see the delight in his eyes that say he is having a great time, despite his older brother not being here. We walk away from the park feeling cleansed and repaired.

Happy Daze

Minnesota summers go fast. School begins and Sam gets into trouble. He’s now an eighth grader at the middle school. Not long ago, he moved his bedroom downstairs. He says he doesn’t want to share a room with his brother anymore. I understand his wanting his privacy.

I’m given a ray of hope when he gets a job at the local grocery store as a bagger. He has to wear black pants, a white shirt and a tie with black shoes. It is a real pleasure helping him get the clothes he needs. He asks to borrow one of my ties. He picks the black and white one with the little weepul pom-pom characters on it. I’m so proud when I drive him to work, seeing him all dressed up.

He is well liked at work and says he likes what he’s doing but one day he refuses to go to work. When I ask why, he says the job is boring and he doesn’t want to do work there anymore. I talk to him until I’m blue in the face and mentally exhausted. But Sam quits anyway. I’m becoming powerless over Sam.

Although I wasn’t seeking his friendship, I’m getting to know Bob Hilliard, the boys vice principal at school. Sam’s getting in trouble. Over the next few weeks I’m called over incidents of stealing blank CD’s from his Tech-Ed class, being disrespectful to the bus driver, flicking matches at other kids on the bus, and kicking out a drop ceiling panel in the crowded school hallway. In every situation, there are other kids who say they saw Sam do what he was accused of doing and in every case, when confronted, Sam denies doing it. Mr. Hilliard tries to reason with Sam but when he gets nowhere, he has no choice but to suspend him. The school counselor suggests that we take him into our health care provider for a mental health assessment. Channa and I make an appointment. We meet a wonderful nurse practitioner. Her name is Kathy with a sunny smile and nice disposition. Kathy and Sam interact well. He seems to be responsive. After discussing the troubles he is having at school, Kathy suggests he start a low dose of a meds she feels will “best” treat his symptoms. The drug she prescribes is called Concerta. She thinks it will help him focus better in school and improve his behavior.

We get Sam’s prescription filled. Within a week Channa notices one of our big sharp kitchen knives is missing. When she walks into Sam’s room, she notices blood on the sheets. I’m interrupted by a loud scream and Channa calling my name. Sam is in bed passed-out. On his left forearm he’s carved a big cross with our sharp kitchen knife. When confronted “why” he cut himself, he doesn’t want to talk about it. The next day, Sam comes home with green and orange hair. Channa is horror-struck. Sam is definitely making a statement, that says “I’m different than you guys and am going my own way.” He’s now wearing black pants and a black shirt all the time. I learn from doing a Google search that he is into “Goth,” which has something to do with devil worship (but I doubt Sam is that sophisticated at 13). As I start reading, I’m getting a bad, bad feeling. I’m afraid to read on: I don’t want to read anymore about Goth – it’s creepy.

There’s a message from one of Sam’s friend’s mom. She’s calling to say Sam was caught stealing liquor sampler bottles from her house. Up until now, there’s been liquor in the house. I’d wished she’d gotten rid of it. I’m in AA and don’t need the temptation. But she wants to keep it in the house for guests. After receiving the call, I get a gut level feeling to check the liquor cabinet. I notice the gigantic bottle of Smirnoff is almost empty. At this point, I tell Channa enough is enough. We give away our liquor collection to our neighbors. What we don’t give away, I pour down the drain.

He’s found a new circle of friends and is quickly withdrawing from our family unit. One weekend night I ask Sam to watch his younger brother so we can go out on a date. In the middle of a movie, my cell phone starts to buzz. I look at the caller ID and see the call is coming from home. It’s Zach and he’s really upset and wants us to come home. We cut out of the theatre headed for home.. Zach tells us what Sam did.

As I listen to Zach, my blood starts to boil. I am enraged. All I see is red! I go to his bedroom and call his name. When he doesn’t answer, I turn the knob. He’s locked the door. I yell out, “Sam, open the door” but he refuses. I search and find the key and while trying to open the door Sam’s on the other side trying to hold it closed. Finally I burst in. I’m beyond pissed. I confront him about what he has done. Sam says doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m yelling out the words, “under no circumstances was he ever, ever to do anything to endanger his brother again”. Sam starts talking back and tries to run away when I grab him by the shoulder. I pin him down and tell him to “N E V E R” to be mean to his brother again”. Sam breaks free and runs out the door. It’s cold outside. He takes off with no shoes or socks on the cold snow covered ground. Channa starts screaming and crying as she grabs the keys. After driving around the neighborhood, she finds him hiding in the woods and talks him into coming home. Eventually things cool down but these events are disturbing. My heart is pounding like a drum!

I’m so unglued that I go to the garage to retrieve a hammer and screwdriver. I proceed to remove the hinge pins from the door and remove it. Now I can see where Sam is and what he’s up to.

Saturday night. It’s getting late. Sam wants to go to a friend’s house. I say “No, you’re staying home.” Figuring “that’s settled” I go to bed around ten and vaguely hear a car start but it I must be dreaming. My sleep is interrupted when I hear a knock on the door. It’s my neighbor. He knows Sam isn’t old enough to drive but saw him jump in our Honda and drive off. Shit, I say to myself. I throw on my clothes and tell Bob I think I know where he is. Will he drive me there? I direct him to a house where this girl lives. She’s into Goth. I see our Honda parked in the driveway.

Earlier that week, Sam came home with purple marks around his neck. Curious to know, I do another online search and learn that kids play a game called “the choking game.” One kid chokes another other until they pass out. Somehow, the kids get a “high” from this but the stuff I read say the game is very dangerous. It can cause brain damage. I read many kids have died playing this game.

I ask Bob to wait in the car. I peer through the downstairs window and there he is. I bang on the front door and no one answers. I turn the knob. The door is unlocked. I walk in see the mom sitting on the couch with a blank look on her face. I announce I am here to get my son. It’s obvious to me that she has no idea what her daughter is doing or who’s with her. I march downstairs, and tell Sam to come with me. He listens. When we get home, I send him to his room and scold him for taking the car. I say he is lucky that he did not have an accident or hurt anyone. I ground him for a week. What I say doesn’t faze him. He shows no emotion. Channa starts lecturing him about the perils of driving without a license and how he could have killed himself and God forbid someone else. He looks at us, indifferent to everything we are saying. We both tell him that he is not to hang around this girl anymore.

Later that night, I walk down to his room and it looks like he is sleeping. But I am mistaken. He has arranged the pillows under the covers to make it look like he is in bed and asleep. He’s crawled out the window. He is out in the middle of the night and we have no idea where he is. These kinds of episodes go on and on. Sam’s grades in school continue to spiral down and he keeps finding new ways to get in trouble. We get calls on a regular basis from the vice-principal. We get to have emergency meetings with his teachers. Sam’s failing all his classes and just doesn’t seem to care. Everything we do is in vain.

Like a fast moving thunderstorm, things have gone from bad to worse. Sam’s on the wrong road, going the wrong way. We try reasoning with him but it just won’t work.

I call Kathy. I leave her a voice message: “Kathy, this is Ken. The Concerta is not working.”

Nobody Knows The Troubles I Have Seen

“My head is sometimes heavy and often it burns and my thoughts are confused – I am beginning to consider madness a disease like any other.” Vincent Van Gough

After his Bar Mitzvah, Sam’s behavior changes FAST – as fast as the flip of a switch. Sam just up and quits everything that he used to love. He quits karate, piano lessons, school orchestra and football. He severs relations with most of his friends from religious school. On one level I don’t understand but maybe because we transferred him to a high school closer to home – maybe that’s it.

He finds a new friend in the neighborhood that seems like a nice kid. But soon, I’m seeing red flags. My younger son tells me he and some of the other neighborhood kids have seen Sam smoking cigarettes and drinking beer from a bottle. So, I confront Sam and he denies my accusations. Over the summer months, my parents come out to visit from California. Sam is signed up for summer camp in Wisconsin. My mom and dad want to come see the kids and come along on the drive to be with us and see the camp. We plan to tow our travel trailer so we can stay near Sam’s camp a few days before his session begins. The camp sits in the North Woods of Wisconsin in a little town called Minocqua I have made reservations at the Chain of Lakes campground which sits on a lake.

Something simple turns into a big fight. When it’s time to go, Sam refuses to get in the car. He decided not to go to camp. Our RV is behind our Durango and everyone is inside, seat belts fastened. After trying to reason with him, I lose my cool; I grab him and put him in the car – not so easy anymore because he has suddenly morphed from a boy into a tall and lanky young man. He is now pretty strong. Like a powerful fish on the line, he resists and fights back. Finally, I get him inside the truck and we get underway. It’s a tense and quiet ride for all.

In Wisconsin, we stop for a break and to gas up. Beside the gas station is a large store selling fireworks. It is close to July 4^th and the boys want to buy fireworks. I give the boys twenty-five dollars each. Zach, our younger one quickly finds his allotment of fireworks. Sam decides he wants an assortment that costs fifty dollars. When I tell him to put some of the fireworks back he gets mad and starts demanding more money. After more arguing, he decides to not get anything. When all of us are ready to get back on the road, Sam refuses to get in the truck. Shoot - another face-off. I tell him one last time to go get his allotment of fireworks so we can get going but he is still resolute about getting more than what I offer him. Finally, my patience runs out. I lose my cool. I physically try to put him in the car. This time he wriggles away from my hold on him and starts running into an adjacent forest. He keeps on running until I lose sight of him. Channa blows a fuse and starts frantically pleading for him to come back. My mom and dad are being good sports but stunned at Sam’s behavior. I run after him and after awhile, he decides to join us. But because he doesn’t get what he wants he gives up on wanting any fireworks. It’s all or nothing – no middle ground, no compromising.

We make it to the campsite, without incident. Sam has settled down. Sam helps set up the camper. He is mechanically inclined and knows just what to do. In no time, he has set up the beds, barbeque, hooks up the water, electricity and lights the water heater. He arranges the chairs around the campfire so Grandma and Grandpa can get comfortable Despite all the fighting, now here, it looks like he is having a good time. He is being polite to my parents and is quite helpful and present. He takes walks with Grandma, hangs out with us and goofs around with his brother. When it’s time to take him to his summer camp, he seems happy to go. Go figure!

Hanalei Beach

Hanalei Beach

Channa and I sit on the beach and watch as Benny teaches Zach how to surf. He stands in the clear blue knee deep water beside Zach who is lying prone on his surfboard. Benny coaches Zach on how to time the oncoming waves so he knows when to paddle and catch the wave. The waves are breaking close in and their size and form is perfect for learning. A wave comes. Benny points Zach and his surfboard in the right direction. "Paddle, paddle, paddle," Benny enthusiastically yells out . Zach gives it all he's got and catches the wave. He stands up! Oh my God - he's caught his first wave! Benny is generous with his time and spends at least an hour in the water with Zach. In no time Zach develops confidence in his ability to catch waves. I jump in the Pacific and swim out to Zach to congratulate him. I used surf and know the thrill that comes with riding waves. The Hawaiian sun, warm winds, and clean water define why they call Hawaii paradise. As I begin to swim, I feel my tight muscles stretch out and the soreness in my lower back ease as I pull each arm over my head and shoulders that move me through the water.

. The water is an elixir for my stress.. As I meet up with Benny and Zach there is no need to ask if he's having a good time. My normally stoic younger son is grinning ear to ear. I remind him to close his mouth unless he wants to drink a whole bunch of salt water! After taking a long swim, I return to our homestead on the beach and encourage Channa to come in the water but her leg is so sore that she wants to stay just where she is. Her left leg is now purple from her fall. I let the trade winds dry me off and then return to the water to swim some more.

My bottled-up stress is melting away like butter in a hot pan. This is really nice! I'm glad we decided to come. It is just the RX we all need Sometimes we really don't know what's good for us!

Zach is bonding quickly with Cousin Benny and stays close to him. What a good guy. I'm grateful for his warm heart, love and generosity. After a few hours on the beach, Benny suggests we head home and make dinner. We pile back in gray Toyota Four Runner. On the way back into town we stop at a roadside juice bar for a snack. It has the architecture of a thatched hut - as we get out of the truck, we see an old hippie. This guy has long hair and a beard and is babbling with words that only he understands. I whisper to Benny " looks like this guy has had one trip too many." We laugh but at the same time, I feel sorry for him because I know the long-term consequences of what drugs and alcohol will do to a person. Zach has an electrified look on his face - not from seeing the guy but reflecting on where he is and that he just got through learning how to surf. Zach. It's a Kodak moment - he looks so happy! I'm happy seeing Zach smile and that he appreciates being here. We continue on to the store to pickup some food for dinner. We pull into a large parking lot and lo and behold I see a Costco sign. I can't believe it. The big box stores have made it to the Hawaiian Islands - Costco, Wal-Mart, Home Depot and Target are all here. I guess this is “progress.” Benny asks if we want steak for dinner. Feeling like he already had done too much, I suggest we go out to dinner. But he says the restaurants mostly cater to tourists and are very overrated and overpriced. We get steaks, salad, fresh papaya and head for the cash register. As I pull out my wallet, Benny tells me to put my money away, that we are his guests. Wow, how nice. We head back to his house and Benny fires up the barbeque while Zach and I take turns to take showers and into fresh clothes. The swim in the ocean has helped to remove the fatigue from the long flight and jet lag. Benny cooks the steaks just right and Channa puts together a salad and heats up some bread. We all sit down and have a nice family dinner.

I share my gratitude to everyone at the table for being able to be in Kauai. But on another level, in a different compartment in my heart and soul something is wrong - where is Sam? I'm feeling bad vibes.

Help - There's An Addict In My House!

I'm in the process of getting back on my horse. My goal is to get my story edited and published. The goal is to help other parent's who are saddled with the burden of having an addict in the house.

It's not easy.

My story is one of love, hope, pain and growth. I'm going to start posting chapters as I finish them. The edits aren't done but as a way to get this project finished, I'm going to share it with you as I go.

I'm not looking for approval or suggestions - just wanting to share as I go:

Journal Entry: March 30 – Kauai

Long time since journaling – we are at Benny's house with Channa and Zack – enjoying some time in tropical paradise. Out of treatment, Sam is not here. I hope and pray for his safety and well being. He was on schedule to be here but due to a relapse, he is not. Sam is my heartache. I just want to love him. All I know is to pray for his recovery, safety and hopefully, a spiritual awakening. It is great getting reconnected with my cousin Benny – he is a great guy. He spent some time yesterday teaching Zack to surf. Benny has a beautiful home near Poipu Beach.

Kaikala, his wife, is a native of Kauai and their home is decorated with very tasteful and traditional Hawaiian décor. The living room is filled with sofas and tables made from Koa wood and the fabric on the sofa is beautiful Hawaiian floral prints – deep reds, yellows and brown colors. The rooms are big and open with several ceiling fans. Unlike Minnesota the house has no central heating nor air conditioning. The temperate climate of Kauai makes it unnecessary and the trade winds are constantly blowing.

Zack is having a great time and is exhausted from a vigorous day of learning how to surf. Channa had a bad fall right before we left and her left leg is all black and blue – besides emotional pain she is in intense physical pain. I’m hoping she will have a speedy recovery and be able to enjoy our vacation.

Kauai is such a laid-back place and the people are very friendly. Cousin Benny is really taking good care of us here. Nice to be with family again – we have quite a lot in common – a lot of history. I am grateful for my sobriety and that we were able to have the financial resources to get here. (end).

Everywhere I go, Sam is on my mind. Why does he have to be such a hard-ass? He is so stubborn. Why won't he behave? He reminds me of Danny, the character in a book we used to read to him when he was little - Danny and the Toy Box. In the story, Danny gets mad and decides to hide in a toy box. His mom tries to get him out. His dad tries. The doctor tries. The policeman tries and so does the fireman. After awhile, his sister comes in and says "Danny, what are you mad about?" But he continues to stay in the box. Left alone, Danny thinks it over and comes to realize that he doesn’t know why he’s mad. He comes out and the book has a happy ending. In our lives, we have no happy ending so far with Sam. He just fights fights and fights.

I’m sitting on the beach at Hanalei Bay, the North Shore of Kauai with my cousin Benny, his wife, Kaikala and Channa. Zach is in our view trying to catch some waves. I find myself apologizing to Benny about Sam not being here with us. I told him we were all coming, that Sam was almost finished with a lengthy treatment program. I find myself full of shame and feel like a failure. Sam is in Minnesota running around with a kid who I know is trouble. I fear they will find trouble.

My decade of sobriety helps me trust my gut level feelings. Before leaving, I take everything of value out of the house and put the small things in our safe deposit box and leave the bigger items with our neighbors. This includes my guitar collection, a couple of shotguns, the keys to my BMW motorcycle and our cars. As much as I love Sam, I don’t put it past him to break into our house and take things that he can sell for money. Benny and Kaikala do their best to comfort Channa and me, sharing their trials and tribulations of raising their three children. Benny is a realist and just says something to the effect that Sam will have to face the consequences for his actions. Still, I'm distressed - it’s stressful wondering where my child is. This trip was planned around his getting out of treatment. Taking a nice vacation seemed like a great way to celebrate getting reunited as a family.

Channa is pain in more ways than one. The day before leaving for Kauai, Channa trips over a planter stand on wheels, while carrying a basket of laundry. Her left leg is injured. It is black and blue from top to bottom. The doctor says she should stay home and rest but Channa’s never been to Hawaii. She is so excited about going that she won’t let the accident stop her from going. It has taken twenty-one years of marriage for us to finally to get here.

The preceding two weeks have been hard. Sam was a resident at Omegon for almost a year. Omegon is a dual-diagnosis in patient treatment program in Minnetonka. They have a good reputation for helping kids uncover the “why” of what's causing them to "use." Although doing well, Donna, Sam's social worker and I can see he is getting restless. We both agree that if he does not get discharged soon he will probably run again. Channa is apprehensive and wants Sam to stay in treatment as long as possible.

His primary care counselor, Jen and Sam do not get along. Jen is strict and her control tactics with Sam are not working. Most of the kids there, after reaching certain "levels" get weekend passes. Jen doesn’t feel Sam is compliant or respectful enough. She gives him one night passes which pisses him off. Sam vents his frustration to Donna saying it’s not fair. Other kids with less time at Omegon are getting weekend passes and he is not. It makes sense: Sam is getting mixed messages. He is in the process of transitioning to public school from Omegon’s school program and is excited about moving forward with his life. When he does get passes to come home, he wants me to take him to AA meetings. He's really good at giving me "false hope." Jen can see right through his bullshit. I am wearing my rose colored glasses. I see what I want to see. I want to believe that if I love and encourage him enough that he will change his ways. Although, filled with fear, Channa is more realistic about Sam than me. I am in denial The truth is Sam still wants what he wants. Sam still does not respect or understand boundaries. Everything in life is all about him. I understand. . When I first come to AA it I, too, am very self centered.. Recovery is very tough. We say in AA "you can carry the message but not the alcoholic." In order for recovery to happen, a person has to want to get better. Alcoholism is a disease described as “cunning, baffling, and powerful.”

When released from Omegon, Sam quickly transitions from attending AA meetings to hanging out with a different crowd at the pool hall. All the progress he seems to have made in treatment starts to unravel . I feel like a fool. I can see clearly now that my wishful thinking about taking a family vacation to Hawaii as a way to bring our family back together is unrealistic. But the reality is Sam starts using again. His personality is different with drugs in his system. I am disappointed and embarrassed. When Benny and I happened to cross paths in Las Vegas, several months ago, he gave me a standing invitation to bring my family to Kauai and invites us to stay in their home. After discussing this with Channa, I accept his offer. A reprieve from the harsh Minnesota winters sounds good. I purchase non-refundable tickets online from Orbitz to Kauai and book a side trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. This is a dream come true vacation for me. I get to show my family that dad can show them a good time (after losing everything and starting over at age forty). But Sam has another agenda. Before leaving, he says he is excited about going to Hawaii with us but the minute he gets out of treatment unsettling things start to happen.

The Ipod I bought him gets stolen out of his backpack - Channa told me not to buy it and predicts he will lose it. I buy it anyway. Next we start getting automated calls, from school telling us in a robotic voice that "Sam was absent from school today." Getting these calls starts becoming a regular occurrence. On one hand we understand Sam's pent-up demand to go out and be social with his "friends." He’s been at Omegon for almost a year and in another treatment facility before that. What I see in addictive type personalities is an “all or nothing” mentality. He has to hang-out with friends every day after school and gets “tight” with a new “friend.” They met at the technical school - Sam is taking a auto mechanics class and the friend wants to be a chef. They start hanging out together every day after school - I meet him and my gut tells me this kid is no good .But like a moth attracted to light, like attracts like. Almost immediately Sam starts using again - smoking cigarettes is a given - now he's coming home high and it is quite obvious to Channa, Zach and me. Instead of taking the bus home after school, he chooses to hang out with his friends and wants us to pick him up whenever he decides to come home.

While Sam is in treatment at Omegon, Channa becomes a disciple of Al-anon for parents. I go to a few meetings and learn about co-dependency. There I meet other parents who have “Sam’s.” Al-anon is low octane - not nearly as exciting as AA. In the end I nix Al-anon in favor or AA meetings. There just is not enough time in my day to take in all these meetings. I admit that I am to some extent codependent with Sam but convince myself that I will not let him take advantage of me over and over. Some of the parents seem like whipping posts - they just keep coming back for more abuse from their kids. Many don’t know how to turn away from the abuse of their addict children. In a way, I feel out of place. Before getting sober, I am an addict who causes pain to others who try to love me. Listening to some of the mom’s talk, I think to myself, “Why can't they just tell their kids to get the hell out of their homes?” But no, they keep coming back for more. One ladies son borrows money and never pays her back. He comes home high and verbally abuses her and then punches holes in the walls. She just can't understand why her son is behaving this week and feels so victimized. I'm thinking, "Get a life, lady." On the other hand, I bet subconsciously, I don’t like hearing these stories because I'm a lot like them. I open my heart and wallet to Sam and he disappoints me. I get mad and decide to forgive him after awhile. I do something nice and he does it again. The cycle seems endless. This is my life! In a song called “How Blue Can You Get,” written by BB King, the line goes “I bought you a brand new penthouse and you said it was just a shack, I gave you a brand new Ford but you said I want a Cadillac, I bought you a ten dollar dinner, you said it was just a shack, I gave you seven children and now you want to give them back!” . . . “Why me?” What did I do to deserve this treatment? Fortunately, sobriety, an AA sponsor, going to meetings and working the steps gives me a daily reprieve from the pain and suffering I used to experience while using. My life was a roller coaster - I'd get high when I was "up" and get high when I was "down." While high I’d get a temporary reprieve from the pain I was feeling but never anything that lasted very long. The twelve step program teaches me to grow up and be a man – I am a dependable person to my wife, boys, friends, family, employer and co-workers.

Still, I'm co-dependent.

Road trip to Houston with the Airstream

Finally off the road! How insane am I to be driving to Houston AND with the Airstream!

It was a nutty idea to begin with but who would have figured - a fast moving and unexpectedly severe Winter storm that popped up - OMG.

Imagine this? Ready for some excitement? Okay - depends on your definition of excitement. Here goes:

Wednesday and Thursday in Minneapolis - it's Spring-like weather. The Songbirds are singing - the bright red male Cardinals are doing the high-low mating call. The always aggressive blue jays are cawing away looking for food. The woodpeckers are jack hammering the trees. The Canadian Geese and Ducks are heading North. Spring is a time of renewal. The cold, frozen ground covered with deep white snow suddenly has given way to a deep thaw. And I'm riding around on my F650 BMW inhaling the fresh spring air. I'm excited. It's been a long, long winter and I want it to be over.

I'm a lot of things but career wise - I'm a cracker jack sales guy. Been doing the advertising biz over 30 now and coming up with good ways of helping our customers brand their promotions is second nature to me. Having served two major oil companies for all these years, a good percentage of our clients are in Texas. I don't get on the road enough and with the economy the way it is - well you know. You can't take things for granted. My dad taught me the STP formula. See the People.

I thought it would be nice to take the A/S down to TX and leave it there for a month. Work a week, fly home for a week and so forth. The plan is to spend face2face with many of our great customers. That includes you Kathy!

And yes, Robin I want to get together with you too - and meet your horse.

The drive started really nice - got a late start yesterday as many things to prepare for to take a big road trip. Getting samples organized, selling materials, getting a/s out of storage and packing my clothes & loading her up. Lots of work being a sales guy. Lots of work being a human being. We all work hard, even if we're retired - I'm not. My mom is and she's even pressed for time.

Somewhere Mason City, IA the weather started getting funky. It started raining and as the day wore on, the rain changed to what? Snow. Boo! I wanted to get past Des Moines. No offense - okay offense - I hate driving thru Des Moines but that's the way to Texas. The wind picked up and I got as far as I could while still being safe. I hadn't slept much the night before - too keyed up. It was crunch time. Deadline was to leave by Friday and arrive in Houston on Saturday.

No Dice.

Stopped @6 or so at a truck stop to fill up the Cummins straight six with Diesel. 25 gallons x @3. Getting @15 mpg pulling the 4500 # airstream. Not bad. Started lightly snowing - after gas, started pulling off with the nozzle still in the truck. Not a good sign. Realized & stopped. Okay, Kenny's tired - better stop. Asked if okay to rest on side of truck stop - so KT pulls the Dodge Ram 3500 with the Silver Bullet between the Wal Mart and Fed Ex Eighteen Wheelers. Only one small problem. KT is a light sleeper and was looking for some quiet. Did you know trucker's sleep in their sleepers with their motors running? Anyone ever tell you diesel motors are noisy? What did you say? Yea - noise - eee. High decibels. Managed to sleep awhile until the Harley Guy trucker parked the front of his cab right next to the window on the a/s. I'm trying to sleep! Rumble rumble, rumble, rumble - the ground is vibrating annd the a/s is dancing back & forth.

After some real sound sleep, I decide it's time to get up & hit the road - I've got some miles to burn and road to cover. I open the hatch to my a/s and the wind almost rips off the door. The wind is howling and it's S N O W I N G. Lot's of snow. A foot at least.

I mozey to to the C Store and ask the cashier what the roads are like. Meanwhile, everyone that was on the road is sitting inside the store asking the same thing. She suggests I don't get on the road until daybreak.

More later.

Wow, I thought. An early Spring!

I'm soooo grateful to be safe & sound - I didn't say sane.

Left MN yesterday thinking it'd be a 2 day drive - did the drive several years ago.